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Exclusive: Scenes From 'Octomom: The Musical'

By May 6, 2009

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Octomom: The Musical

Bad behavior should never be rewarded. It was just plain wrong when O.J. Simpson tried to trademark his name on souvenir steak knives. And that really happened.

You'll therefore be happy to know that baby-making machine Nadya Suleman has no financial stake in Octomom: The Musical set to premier in Los Angeles in June.

"We keep expecting to hear from her," says writer-director Chris Voltaire. "We've gotten some mysterious phone messages. But nothing definitive. She hasn't even called to wish us luck."

Don't expect her to audition to play herself either. As Voltaire told my friends at Flash News earlier this week, "We donít have the budget we'd need for childcare, in her case."

To those who wish to audition, Voltaire offers this advice: ďIf you look like Angelina Jolie it helps. If you have pole dancing experience as well itís good.Ē wireless Flash Logo

With the curtain expected to go up soon, Voltaire expects casting to be complete in days. We're grateful to him for providing a little excerpt of his ripped-from-the-headlines screenplay, although I'm sure the Octo-lawyers are going to be calling it ripped-off from the headlines.

Excerpt: Octomom: The Musical

Scene Six: The Doctor's Office

The Doctor opens the door and carries a bit of a diabolical aura in his behavior. Octo holds out her hand. The Doctor kisses it gently.

OCTO: I need more babies.
THE DOCTOR: I love you too...wait...what?
OCTO: I need more babies!
THE DOCTOR: OK...what were you considering?
OCTO: Two, maybe three or four, actually five, how about six...
THE DOCTOR: I canít. I have a medical responsibility. The answer is no.

Octo sings.

OCTO:
I CAME TO SEE YOU CAUSE I THOUGHT I KNEW
HAVING MORE BABIES WOULD FULFILL MY NEEDS
BUT SEEING YOU AGAIN I MUST REVIEW
PERHAPS I NEED THE MAN AND NOT THE SEEDS...

She turns away. The Doctor follows.

THE DOCTOR:
YOUR BIG BROWN EYES CAUSE CHILLS TO RUN IN ME
I FEEL SO STERILE WHEN YOUíRE NOT NEARBY
I AM THE CHEF WITH THE RIGHT RECIPE
I'LL PLANT YOUR UTERUS, LETíS MULTIPLY!

OCTO:
NO, THE MAGICS GONE, IT'S DISAPPEARED
CAN YOU UNDERSTAND ITS JUST SO WEIRD
CAN YOU HEAR WHAT I SAY, I FEEL EMPTY HERE AND HERE,
THIS IS JUST WHAT I FEARED.

Octo turns to the Doctor. OCTO:
REMEMBER OUR GOOD TIMES AT ULTRASOUND
DILATE MY CERVIX AND THE INCUBUS
SO TAKE MY HAND FOR ONE MORE GO-AROUND
A MAGIC TANGO IN MY UTERUS...

THE DOCTOR:
DONíT STOP NOW, THIS EXCITES ME.
WE CAN BE A COUPLE DIFFERENTLY
AND I GET WHAT YOU SAY, WHAT YOU MEAN AND MUST AGREE
I"LL MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE!
End Scene

For those keeping up with the situation, Suleman has already cut a TV deal with a British TV producer. Meanwhile, women's rights lawyer Gloria Allred is trying to Suleman, accusing her of exploiting her kids.

How will Allred get standing to sue? We'll have to wait for Voltaire's sequel to find out.



Photo © Chris Voltaire
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